Sorry But I Turn The Gun On You
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a.k.a. "What Car Story..?"

by Brendan S


Maybe once, out of any time in my entire life, was I ever close to suicidal feelings.

Echoing, as I drank whiskey and smoked "resin" and small desperate amounts of weed and tobacco, I thought to myself, upon the loss of my girlfriend, Rumi, who I had known for 2 years. I thought about that passionate thought we all think "when we 'want to die'."

But I am not suicidal.

There is a film called "God Bless America" in which a man is about to shoot himself. He has the gun in his mouth, but the TV is on. Terrible, fake news, and awful media broadcasts infect his very moment of suicide so much with hate, he takes the gun out of his mouth and looks at it. He turns the gun on the world instead, and does not do anything so passionate as dye by the bullet of another hand.

He chose not to die, but to fight -- and that is my view.

I did fight, and I have fought, and I no longer feel the "shock" of PTSD.

They say PTSD can go away for some people.

Not only was "PTSD" removed from my file, so was bipolar disorder.

I did tai chi the whole time I was in the hospital, to stay fit, and right in front of people.

I did it a lot in front of mirrors and black walls, and black windows.

I got very strong, and stood up to the system the entire time through, like I do to this day.

My parents are working very hard to help me out of the group home I got "tricked" into,

And I have already been put on a waiting list for a room somewhere, having filled out seven other applications.

I have been paid almost $500 for my music I sell.

I love the songs I make.

I cherish a lot of people in this world.

Though I may act crazy, one thing I can tell you is I do not want to die.

I want to stay alive,

And be here for you.



BLS